Do Lobsters Have Butts?

People often say, "You can never be fully prepared for parenthood." I've always assumed they were referring to sleep-deprivation and the loss of personal freedoms. I now know that those are just a small part, a VERY small part, of things you can not prepare for when it comes to parenting. I'm a fairly well-educated person. I have lots of life experiences from which to draw. I've "worn many hats" too. However, I still can't remember the last time I was able to answer an entire string of questions from my three-year-old son. Just when I begin gaining confidence, the conversation takes a detour. I'm ALWAYS left scratching my head. Following is a conversation we had today in Shoprite.

Andrew - "Mommy, can we see the lobsters?"

Me - "Sure, sweetie. I see no reason why not."

Andrew - "Mommy, what are the lobsters doing?"

Me - "Well, they seem to be sleeping. They must be tired from playing all day." (Do lobsters even sleep? I'm not sure. *Note to self - Google "lobsters and sleep")

Andrew - "Mommy, what's that - in the tank."

Me - "It's a brush."

Andrew - "Why is there a brush in the lobster tank?"

Me - "Well, I guess they use the brush to clean the tank."

Andrew - "Is the tank dirty?"

Me - "Sure. It gets dirty from time to time."

Andrew - "How's the dirt get in there?"

Me - "Well, I guess some of the dirt is from the lobsters. They go to the bathroom too, ya know!"

Andrew - "They go poopy?"

Me - "Sure they do."

Andrew - "Where's the poopy come out of?"

Me - "Gee. Ummmm. I'm not sure."

Andrew - "Do lobsters have butts?"

Me - "Well, ummmm...."

Andrew - "Is that the butt?"

Me - "I think it's the tail, Andrew."

Andrew - "Where's the butt?"

Me - "Hmmmmm?"

Andrew - "Can you ask the guy, mommy? PLEEEEASE???

Me - "I'm NOT asking the man behind the counter if lobsters have butts. And I DON'T know if they have butts. I'm SURE they have SOME type of digestive system, although I'm not sure HOW complex it is. If they have mouths, then they MUST have butts. Although, I can't even locate their mouths at the moment. So, perhaps they just absorb nutrients through their skin, I mean SHELLS - like osmosis, or something. I just DON'T KNOW how they dispose of waste, but I DO see bubbles, and flatulence is often a precursor to poop. Although, the bubbles could also be part of the oxygenation system of the tank. I don't know if lobsters have butts. I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!!!

Andrew - "Mommy?"

Me - "WHAT!?!?!"

Andrew - "Can I have a cookie?"

Wrinkles and Time

My husband is the youth pastor at our church. He's GREAT at what he does. He's compassionate, wise, and has a heart for God. Teenagers are drawn to him. At times, I wish I could get involved with the youth, but it's difficult with a one-year-old and three-year-old. I'm mostly content to sit on the sidelines.

But, not today. Today, I took Shannon, a girl from the youthgroup, to "Fabric Row" in Philadelphia. She's really into sewing and I've been in the market for window treatment fabrics. I wore something young and hip. And, why not? I feel young. I feel like I was just sixteen yesterday. As she was walking towards my car this morning, I thought, "She is so adorable. We look like sisters!"

We hit a number of stores on 4th street. While shopping at B. Wilk Fabrics, I noticed the owner glancing at Shannon with a sweet, motherly grin. I looked up and echoed her sentiment, with a smile and a head nod. Shannon is as sweet as they come. She EXUDES sweetness. Little did I know, I was about to be hit between the eyes with a harsh dose of reality. The owner says to me, "You must be very proud. Do you have any other children?" WHAT?!?!?!?! The fabric I'm holding slips out of my hands and I begin feeling weak in the knees. Did it just get hotter in here? I'm feeling light-headed. I need to lie down. Perhaps I should elevate my feet. I NEED JUICE!!!!

My trendy clothes and jewelry make me a teenager no more than wearing a bikini makes someone a swimsuit model. When did this happen? When did I get "old?" I have ALWAYS looked younger than my actual age. At least that's what people have always told me. But then again, I can't remember the last time someone actually told me that. Friends and family compliment me. My husband flatters me. But I can't give any credence to him. He lives with me. He has ulterior motives. I'M SURROUNDED BY LIARS!!! This women, THIS STRANGER standing in front of me, is the first objective person to cross my path in years. Where was Simon Cowell when I needed him?

I try to regroup, as my mind continues racing. Defense mechanisms begin kicking in: "I'm full-blooded Italian. I have olive skin. Shannon is stark white. She has freckles. We look NOTHING alike. This woman needs glasses!"

I continue my mental processing on the trip back across the bridge. "So what if I'm more than twice her age? There are A LOT of benefits to aging. There's the ability to vote. What else? Let's seeeeeee. You caaaaan GAMBLE! You caaaaan DRINK! Speaking of alcohol, I could use a stiff...... GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MICHELLE!!! You're funny. You're motivating. You're a good cook. You're a good friend. You're a good wife and mother. You're wise beyond your years. "WISDOM. That's it! I have pearls of wisom to share. Let's seeeee." I begin reliving my past. In doing so, I realize the first twenty years of my life reads like a "What NOT to do," or "How NOT to treat people" book. Can it be that I have nothing to share? NO PEARLS OF WISDOM??

I didn't drive off the bridge. In fact, we continued on with our day. We had a nice lunch. We had a nice talk about typical teenage stuff, before heading home. It was fun, being transported back in time. When it was all said and done, I realized that people are mostly the same on the inside. I now understand the old saying though, that "Youth is wasted on the young."

Everyone has made mistakes. Recognizing them is the important thing. And doing better the next time is even more important. I'd never go back to sixteen, not unless it was to "right" all of my wrongs. But is that even possible? If turning back the hands of time also means returning to the same hurts and insecurities of your past, then history would probably repeat itself. I'm grateful for the last twenty years - not for what they've done to the outside of me, but for what they've done to the inside.

As I pulled onto my driveway, I saw my toddler son peeking through the blinds. He ran to the front door to greet me, and his younger brother soon followed. They began banging on the glass with excitement. I decided that I must have done some things right in life. My husband appeared shortly after, and picked up the baby. Seeing their faces makes my heart melt. I offered up a prayer of thanksgiving. And I realized that time has been extremely kind to me after all.

Why my life sucks.....at the moment.

Looking for a pick-me-up? You've come to the wrong place. I'm pretty down and I'm in the mood to vent.

Today, was the parent orientation for my son's preschool. I did not go. I had to work. I put my lame, part-time job ahead of my son. So, I'm feeling like the worst mom on the planet. Tomorrow was SUPPOSED to be his first day of school. I bought apples so my son could bring one for the teacher. Isn't that sweet? Well, that's all out the window because he's sick. He's been sick for almost a week. He will be missing his first day and potentially his first week of school. And I'll be stuck with a bag of rotten apples. I hate apples. Did I mention that? So, while all of the other children are well-adjusted next week, my son will be the only clueless one with first-day jitters.

These torn ligaments in my hip are preventing me from doing everything I love the most. I can't run which I LOVE to do. We're having gorgeous, unseasonably warm fall days, and I'm stuck inside, immobilized, with sick kids. I'm jealous of every runner I see. Starting tomorrow, I'm throwing rotten apples at all of them.

I hate my house. We live in a forest, which I LOATHE. It makes for very little sun, which is only adding to my depression, and creating a very serious leaf problem. I rue the day we moved back to the northeast.

My back is killing me from endless hours of raking. And our industrial-sized blower weighs no less than 50 lbs. and requires two extension cords - which never fail to knot, or get caught up on the darndest things. Oh, and did I mention that if I try to yank the cord free, it comes out of the socket EVERY TIME!!! Then I have to climb our driveway, which is almost a 90 degree incline, while smiling and waving to the priests who live next door - WHOM, by the way, I have yet to see lift a finger for ANYTHING during the eight years we've been here. They even get their groceries delivered. Who's paying for this? Isn't there some sort of poverty vow written into their contract?

Our dog died last week. I think it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She loved me the most. I'm not sure why. She would have followed me anywhere, and sadly did. Watching life slip away in mere seconds is difficult, very difficult. Having a companion, a fixture, a friend vanish is incredibly lonely and unnerving. It really drives home the fragility of life. I clung to her body for a long time and wept bitterly. I didn't want to let go. Letting go meant saying goodbye to so many things. And perhaps, letting go meant moving forward. And moving forward inevitably means saying more goodbyes - something I don't want to do. It's hard to say what made it so difficult to release her lifeless body. She was a good dog though. I told her that over and over again. She was deaf, but somehow I know that she heard me.

Confessions of a Carbohydrate Addict

I love bread - ALL types of bread. And I love anything derived from a potato - baked potatoes, french fries, mashed potatoes, potato chips, etc. I can not overemphasize my love of carbohydrates. I start my day with carbohydrates. I end my day with carbohydrates. I snack on carbohydrates throughout the day. I even dream of hot soft pretzels at night.

One of my FAVORITE types of carbohydates is hot bread. We went to an Italian restaurant Saturday night. I ate an entire loaf myself. I smeared each slice with butter. It quickly melted inside of the warm dough. I'm actually getting excited just thinking about it. I was SOOOO smitten with the bread, that I actually asked for a refill. When the waiter wasn't looking, I began stuffing loose slices into my coat pockets.

Are you beginning to get a sense for the depth of emotion I have for carbohydates? Needless to say, I am not a fan of The Atkins diet, or any diet for that matter. When I first tell people this, they look at me and ask, "Where do you put it all??" Well, I have been blessed with good genetics, BUT I also work out......A LOT! I run, I spin, I step, I walk, I lift, I bike. At least, I used to do all of those things. I tore ligaments in my hip about a month ago and I'm just starting to really get around. I can't walk for the purpose of exercise, but I can care for the kids just fine. Running is out of the question, as is kickboxing. The one thing that doesn't aggravate my hip too much is Spinning, which I teach twice a week. I "rest" my leg for five days so that I can teach on two days and reaggravate it.

So, here's the problem. My caloric expenditure is down BIG TIME because of this. However, my caloric intake is not. In fact, it might even be higher. This is creating a problem. A BIG problem - pun intended. I have gained weight. In fact, I am the heaviest I have been in the last 15 years, with the exception of my two pregnancies. I get weighed every morning, hoping that something will change, but it's just not happening. The reason??? I HAVE NO WILL POWER!!! I have never had and still do not have will power when it comes to food. Come to think of it, I don't have will power when it comes to ANYTHING in life. I am an EXTREME personality in every regard - always have been, always will be. I WANT WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT IT.

Sure. Maybe it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Don't we all fluctuate a bit when it comes to weight? Sure. But, here's the difference. Imagine feeling bloated and ugly. Then imagine having to strap on spandex or some other type of form-fitting clothing. Then imagine being forced to walk into a huge room - a huge MIRRORED room. Then imagine being at the FRONT of the room and having over 20 sets of eyes watching you PERFORM. That's what I have to do every time I teach a class at the gym!

I decided last night that "Enough is Enough!" I don't diet and I never have. But I decided that I must do SOMETHING to get my eating under control, at least until I can begin exercising again at my pre-injury level. So, this morning I made a list of things I will NOT eat until I drop this extra weight I've packed on. This was the list:

1) Cake
2) Cookies
3) Candy
4) White Bread

Fine, so the day was off to a good start. I went to the gym and taught. My friend came over with her son late morning and we took the kids to McDonald's. I did pretty good. I ate a few french fries, but hey, a "few french fries" wasn't on my list! We got back from McDonald's. The kids played in the leaves. Here's a picture:



So, anyway, as she's leaving, my friend says, "Oh, I almost forgot. I made you HOMEMADE PUMPKIN BREAD!" Okay, what is wrong with her? Why do ALL Italians, myself included, feel the need to carry food with them AT ALL TIMES? Doesn't she know I have A LIST? She hands me the pumpkin bread. My sons and I wave goodbye as they pull out of the driveway. I put the kids down for their naps. Then, I come into the kitchen for a pumpkin bread showdown. It begins calling out to me, "Michelle, I'm right over here. You know you want me. Wouldn't I be good with a tall glass of milk? I'm so lonely, Michelle. Please keep me company." I take the pumpkin bread into my hands. Then, I refer to my list. "HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! PUMPKIN BREAD ISN'T ON MY LIST OF FORBIDDEN FOODS." It's not cake. It's not candy. It's certainly not a cookie. And it's not white bread - IT'S ORANGE BREAD. YAY!!! ORANGE BREAD ISN'T ON THE LIST.

I pour myself a tall glass of milk. I begin unwrapping it. I cut myself a slice. The aroma is overpowering. I cute myself another slice. This is BEYOND delicious. One more slice and that will be it. I need more milk. I continue eating the bread the way Cookie Monster eats cookies. "Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum." Before I know it, the bread is gone - ALL OF IT!!!!

I'm feeling extremely full, but VERY satisfied. Then the self-loathing sets in. "Did you just eat that ENTIRE loaf of bread? What is wrong with you? You didn't even save a slice for your husband or children? What kind of wife and mother are you?" I decide that I can NOT dwell on this. I can NOT live in the past. What's done is done. I must move forward! I decide that making another list is a perfect way to "move forward."

Forbidden Foods List #2
1) Cake
2) Cookies
3) Candy
4) White Bread
5) Orange Bread

Life Lessons

So, I haven't been around ALL that long, but I have quite a few life experiences tucked neatly under my belt. "Live and learn," as they say. But there are some things that you may not have to actually learn first-hand. You can glean from MY experiences which, as always, I'm more than willing to share. Below is a list of ten things you should never do:

1) Never rent bikes to tour the city of San Francisco on your first visit. This is one of those things that sounded like a good idea at the time, but the only bikes available for rent were mountain bikes with partially inflated tires. We got lost and rode up and down hills for over 3 HOURS. I had to get off the bike on several occassions just to cry. My husband didn't speak to me the rest of the day.

2) Never try on a bathing suit in the middle of winter - Chances are you're at your heaviest AND you're pasty white - not a good combination.

3) Never scrape paint out of an electrical outlet using a butter knife - I don't know WHAT I was thinking. I obviously WASN'T thinking.

4) Never lick a curling iron to see if it's hot - I used to lick my finger and then use it to test the iron's readiness. I decided to skip a step one morning - couldn't eat for 2 days.

5) Never squeeze a cactus with both hands as hard as you can - I did this when I was extremely young. I was surprised to see that all of the needles had "disappeared," before realizing that they had reappeared in my hands. My mom had to pull each needle out one-by-one with tweezers.

6) Never spit out a car window while the vehicle is in motion - I really never spit, but I had a bad cold and well, ummm, it wasn't pretty.

7) Never respond right away if someone says something that doesn't make sense or seems out of context. Chances are you have misheard him or her. I can't even BEGIN to list the number of times I've embarrassed myself as a result of this. Here's ONE example. On my first day of work at a bank, my co-worker said, "Hi! I'm Shannon, and I'm Italian." Her statement made NO sense, AT ALL, which SHOULD have been my first clue. BUT, in an effort to make HER feel comfortable, I responded. "Really? I'm ALL Italian!" Turns out, she said, "I'm a TELLER," not "I'm Italian." Yuuuup. I want to dig a hole when I think of it.

8) When you're doing something you shouldn't be doing / When you're with someone you shouldn't be with / When you're at a place you shouldn't be at.......DON'T BRING A CAMERA!!!!

9) Never eat a fibrous meal before an OB/GYN appointment.

10) Never leave your hotel room in a Las Vegas casino for a "quick" trip downstairs to the hotel's ice cream parlor, wearing your pajamas and bunny slippers just because it's the middle of the night (11:30 pm) and you think everyone's sleeping. Perhaps I was a bit naive, but that's not even the worst part. The WORST part is that after purchasing the milkshake FOR MY HUSBAND, the hotel security wouldn't let me BACK into the elevators because I didn't have my ROOM KEY WITH ME! I had to use the "house phone," located on the completely opposite end of the casino, to call our room - only to have my husband NOT ANSWER because there was "SOMETHING GOOD ON TV!!!!"

So there you have it folks. If you find yourself in one of these situations, think of me and then DO THE OPPOSITE. You're welcome :)

Michelle's Favorite Things, or Mommy Must-Haves this holiday season

So, Oprah does it every year. Why can't I? She dedicates an entire show to "Oprah's Favorite Things." She does it before Christmas. Each audience member walks away with one of EVERYTHING - plasma tv's, cameras, etc. It's amazing! You're not getting any of that. Nope, you're on a budget and so am I. Don't fret. There are plenty of economical gifts out there to get you through this holiday season and beyond. Now, I suggest you act IMMEDIATELY to pick up things on my list. You've heard of the "Oprah-effect." Everything she touches turns to gold, goes to the best seller's list, etc. Well, there IS a such thing as the "Michelle effect," although it operates on a slightly smaller scale. Don't be surprised if many of these items are out-of-stock when you try to find them. Be patient and check back frequently.

1) A Scarf - I don't know about you, but if ANY part of my neck is exposed, I'm FREEZING!!! It doesn't matter WHAT type of coat I'm wearing. If my neck's cold, I'm cold. I suggest buying yourself a scarf this holiday season. It doesn't matter what kind. It should be soft and not too bulky. You should coordinate it with your coat. I'm looking at the label on mine right now and it says, "Cashmink." It's 70% polyester and 30% viscose. I don't know what "viscose" is, but it must be a VERY high-end fabric because the scarf was made in Germany:) Good luck finding it.

2) Hand Lotion. There's no better way to prevent the spread of illness than by frequent handwashing. I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive in this area. You should be too. Unfortunately frequent handwashing and cold weather don't mix. You will need a very good hand lotion if you want to prevent dry, red, itchy hands. I've tried them all. Although I like Neutrogena's Norwegian Formula and Eucerin's Aquaphor Advanced Therapy Healing Ointment, I like Avon's Moisture Therapy better. AND it's cheaper! Click HERE to order now.

3) Chocolate. Dark chocolate, especially, has health benefits. AND it makes you happy! You should eat a little each day. I am a chocolate connoisseur. Skip Godiva and every other over-priced chocolate. Get yourself Dove or Lindt. They are simply the best chocolates out there. And if you like truffles, Lindt makes THE BEST. Both brands come in milk or dark. And both can be found at Target!

4) Tube Socks. It's time to put your birthday suit away, at least until next summer. When it comes to the bedroom, you're looking for warmth this time of year. Fashion and Fun are out the window. I don't spend a dime on pajamas. I simply wear sweat pants and a sweat shirt to bed during the winter. Now, here's the catch. You want sweat pants that won't ride up. If they do, you'll be cold - not a good thing. Buy yourself long tube socks. This is the ONLY time you will hear me say this. Tube socks are NEVER to be worn with shorts, skirts, etc. If you have a sneaker on your foot and your legs are bare, you should wear VERY short socks, the kind that barely come out of your sneaker. Your leg will appear longer and leaner. Tube socks in the summer are a DEFINITE no-no! But in the winter, they're a MUST-HAVE. You will be using them to tuck your sweat pants into at night. Your pants won't ride up and you won't be cold. Not only does this provide warmth, it provides an inexpensive, non-chemical form of birth control. Let hubby know you'll be dressing like this at night until the weather breaks - possibly late April. If you're a busy mommy on-the-go, be sure to choose sweat pants and a sweat shirt that match. That way, when you wake up in the morning, you can pull your pants out of your socks, slap on a bra and sneakers, and be ready for your day!!!

5) A baseball hat - Baseball hats are a definite "DO" this holiday season. They're a great way to support your favorite sports team AND a no-fuss way of dealing with bad hair days. AND if your husband is anything like mine, he will WANT you to wear a cap. For some reason, guys find girls with hats and ponytails sexy. Don't ask me why. But they do. Go to Lids in the Deptford Mall and buy yourself a hat.

6) Entertainment - Forget expensive Broadway shows, and even movie theaters. You're overpaying for something that may not even be good. Plus, going to a live production or movie theater leaves no opportunity for snack or potty breaks. If you're anything like me, you also have little time for television. Don't fret. There's nothing good on these days. I recommend buying DVD's of MY favorite shows. I'm a TINY bit outdated here, but I can assure you, you will NOT be disappointed. You already know that "Little House on the Prairie" and "Family Ties" are two of my favorites. There are two OTHER shows, slightly more recent, that also make my list of favorite things:

"Ally McBeal" - I LOVE this show. It's David E. Kelley's greatest work. In short, it's about a single attorney (Ally McBeal) who gets a job at a law firm. On her first day, she finds out that her childhood sweetheart and love of her life, Billy, works there - along with his current WIFE!!!! Even though I was married, I greatly identified with Ally and you will too. All of the characters in this show are some of the funniest and quirkiest EVER on television. You will laugh. You will cry. You will LOVE this show. It has AWESOME music too. Classics are redone by Vonda Shepard. This is the ONLY soundtrack I have ever bought and I LOVE it to this day. And lastly, some of the greatest quotes ever are from this show:

-"Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing."

-"You know what makes my problems bigger than everyone else's? They're mine."

-"We're women. We have double standards to live up to."

-"I really hope he calls today. So I can hang up on him."

-"Men are like gum. After you chew them a while, they lose their flavor."

-"The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win Ally."

I could go on and on. Get the first two seasons of this show (it went a bit downhill after that.) And by the way, this is not for women only. My husband LOVED this show.

"24" w/Keifer Sutherland - Totally different than Ally McBeal, but AWESOME! There are 24 episodes in a season. Each episode is one hour of Jack Bauer's life. The entire season is one day of his life. He works with the counter-terrorism unit. My husband and I rented the first disc from Blockbuster one night. We drove back that SAME night to get the second disc and IT WAS CHECKED OUT!!! We came home, went online and had it OVERNIGHTED. We watched all 24 hours in 2 days (pre-kids, obviously.) You can not even begin to understand how awesome this show is. I usually have ADD when it comes to tv and movie watching. Not this time. Ladies, you will love this as much as your man. I promise you. Be prepared for the ride of your life. You will NOT be able to turn it off!!

7) Socialize - As you can tell, I'm not into "things." I spend little money on clothes, jewelry, etc. There's very little permanence in "things." Spending time with the man that I love and my children is my idea of fun. Unfortunately, there are some people who are lonely. My #7 favorite thing has to do with reaching out, BEYOND your inner circle, to those who are lonely. Bake some cookies, or buy a dessert and pay a surprise visit to an elderly neighbor, friend, or family member. I try to do this fairly regularly. It is very rewarding and it means the world to the other person. Don't be afraid about filling the silence or any of that nonsense. My experience is that lonely people just want company. If it's an older person, allow him or her to retell stories you may already know by heart. Smile. Laugh. If the person is confined to his or her house, tell stories that will transport them to another place. Bring a book and read to them. You will be amazed at how fulfilling this is for BOTH of you. It will give you new perspective. Getting the focus off of "ME" is a good thing, especially this time of year.

8) Sneakers. Everyone should have a good pair of running sneakers. Walk. Run. Skip. Do whatever you like, but try to do something everyday. It's important to do it outside, if possible. Our bodies crave sunlight. This time of year, sunlight is very limited. But the cold air and nature will rejuvenate you. Exercise is also an instant mood lifter. It will leave you with nice rosy cheeks afterwards, so you won't even have to apply makeup. AND....you can wear your new tube socks :)

9) A Guilty Pleasure. If you have money to burn, treat yourself to a facial, massage, or spa pedicure once a month. I have to admit, I enjoy being pampered in this regard. If I could afford to do it every day, I would. I have THE MOST amazing girl, but unfortunately, I can't give you her name. It's hard enough to get an appointment with her now.

10) A Cup of Tea and A Good Book - There's nothing like curling up with a good book and a hot cup of tea. There are SOOO many different types of tea. Experiment with them. Buy a sampler pack if you're not sure. And use honey, instead of sugar, to sweeten your tea. Honey is a natural cough suppressant, among other things. And ALL teas have health benefits - not just green tea. The book I'm currently reading is called "Fearless" by Max Lucado. He is my favorite Christian author, but you DO NOT have to be a Christian to enjoy his books. You will come to LOVE him and his writings. I highly recommend "Fearless." It's already a New York Times Best Seller!

So, there you have it. Those are the MUST-HAVE'S and MUST-DO'S of the season. Following this list, as opposed to Oprah's list, will make you happier, healthier, wealthier, and wiser. I promise!

Horseback Riding

I have a tendency to keep clothing, jeans specifically, that I haven’t worn in years because I believe in being prepared. It’s hard to say WHAT I'm preparing for. I have about ten pairs of jeans in my closet and I only wear two or three of them. The other seven I may have outgrown, or I may not have. I don’t know because I haven’t tried them on in about twenty years. I’m not exaggerating here either. They’re the old style, with the tapered leg. Actually, tapered leg jeans, aka "skinny jeans" are now in style again. I guess I’m officially old. All of the jeans got a lot of use at one point. They’re faded at the knees. Some are speckled with paint stains. By the way, I no longer wear jeans to paint. They’re too binding.

Do you really want to know why I keep them? HORSEBACK RIDING! Every couple of years, when I contemplate getting rid of them, I think, “If I ever go horseback riding, I will need to wear something sturdy, but flexible. I won’t want to wear anything new for obvious reasons. These jeans will fit the bill perfectly!” It’s reasonable, wouldn’t you say? There’s only one problem. I’ve never been horseback riding. I’m actually afraid of horses. I’m not sure why. I haven’t had any negative horse encounters. But I’m convinced that if I do see a horse, it will kick me.

I own seven pairs of jeans - not just for horseback riding, but for camping, deep sea fishing, and hiking down jagged cliffs. Now, I’ve never actually done any of these things either. But if I did, I would definitely need my jeans from the ninth grade.

Now why did this suddenly come to the forefront of my brain and make its way onto my very important blog? Well, I just came down from putting clothes away in my son’s room. I came across the most beautiful pullover buried deep inside one of his drawers. I pulled it out and thought, “This is a really nice pullover. It’s nice and warm. It’s probably too warm to wear inside, but probably not warm enough to wear outside by itself. It’s too bulky to wear under a coat. But maybe on a crisp, but not too cold day, we can take a ride up to NYC, and he can wear this pullover.” I began mentally preparing our itinerary. “Maybe we can go around the holidays and see the big Christmas tree. Then we can watch people ice skating on that famous outdoor rink. Better yet, WE can ice skate! If we do, he'll definitely want this pullover because a coat is too bulky for doing turns.” (Keep in mind that my son is only three. Also, keep in mind that I’ve only been to NYC once in my life and didn’t particularly like it.)

Anyway, this is what raced through my mind as I stared at the pullover. I was indecisive. There are so many needy children. Maybe I should give it away. Back and forth, my mind raced. “Put it back, give it away, put it back, give it away.” Then it came to me. HORSEBACK RIDING! He’ll wear it when we all go horseback riding.